Apples and Pears and Various Other Fruit
by toranspitfire
Summary: Dr Who crossover. The Doc & Rose follow a distress signal to the zooniverse, where Bainbridge has 'heroically' acquired a dalek. Vince is mistaken for the Doctor's companion, someone is EXTERMINATED & we uncover the real reason why they end up in Dalston.
1. Prologue

Because my two main obsessions at the moment are the Mighty Boosh and Doctor Who, I thought 'why not combine the two into the one ultimate fanfiction?' So here is the absolute greatest fanfiction ever written. It's amazing. You'll never read anything as good as this ever again in your entire life. I'm just putting that out there. It's kind of a big deal.

(Disclaimer: it's all about CONTEXT. It might be the best fanfiction ever written, who knows. I sure don't.)

**APPLES AND PEARS AND VARIOUS OTHER FRUIT**

**PROLOGUE**

It was a dark night.

Illuminated faintly by moonlight, two men struggled to carry a large crate through the gates of the zoo. Like most things, the zoo looked very different by moonlight. Dark shadows replaced the usually bright scenery and pools of blackness covered the pathways. Without the squawks, roars and bays of the animals, and the usual bustle of people coming and going, it seemed very quiet and empty. One would even call it... eerie.

The shorter man stumbled slightly.

"Watch it, you imbecile!" His companion barked. "If you harm it, I will harm you."  
The shorter man whined in an American drawl. "But Dixy, you wouldn't really hurt me, would you?"  
Dixon Bainbridge bristled. "I told you to never call me that." He snapped angrily. "You are expendable, this crate is not. Do not forget that."  
Bob Fossil sniffed. "What kinda animal is in this thing anyway?"  
"That is none of your concern."  
"Well I'm carrying it," Fossil whined again, "So-"  
Bainbridge scowled and cut him off mid-whinge. "Just stay out of it if you know what's good for you."  
Fossil sighed dramatically. "Don't worry, Dixy, I won't drop it. I'm real good at carrying things."

Bainbridge pointedly ignored the pet name and focussed on carrying the heavy crate. Something shifted inside it slightly.  
Fossil continued trying to impress his companion, unaware he was being ignored. "Look, Dixy!" He giggled, "No hands!"

The crate fell in what seemed like slow motion. Bainbridge could only watch, mouth agape, and wonder how anyone could be so stupid. The wood splintered immediately and a huge shape smashed from its confines and rolled out onto the concrete.

"Holy tits on toast!" Fossil squealed, "What the heck is that thing?"

The creature was made entirely from a strange, dull metal but Fossil could tell that, somehow, it was... alive? It swung around, pointing the telescope shaped sensor from its domed head at the two men. As Fossil gawked, the creature started to screech. "EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!"

It pointed a metal arm at the panic-stricken American and his life flashed before his eyes.

There was a beat.

Bainbridge began to laugh. Fossil opened his eyes a crack and realised with relief that he was still alive. The creature was harmless. Bainbridge slapped Fossil on the back and stalked off, calling over his shoulder, "Put it in a cage and increase our ticket price by one hundred euros. We've got a new exhibit."


	2. A Mauve Alert

**CHAPTER ONE: A MAUVE ALERT**

"You look ridiculous!"  
"Ridiculous? I look rather dashing, if I do say so myself."  
Rose burst out laughing. She held one hand on her stomach, aching from laughter, and with the other hand pointed a finger at the enormous hat. "That is _not_ dashing. That is absolutely _ridiculous_!"

The Doctor grinned out from under the top hat, not minding in the slightest that he was being made fun of. He liked it when Rose laughed.

"Frank Sinatra gave me this hat."  
"Nooo! I don't believe you."  
"It's true!" The Doctor stated matter-of-factly. "New Orleans, 1943. We all stayed out 'til five in the morning, going from one swing club to the next." He sighed happily. "Completely mad night."  
Rose grinned. "You're _such_ a liar!"

The couple were sitting on the floor in the wardrobe room of the TARDIS with clothes, hats and other accessories strewn all around them. They had spent the afternoon taking it in turns to try on crazy ensembles and laugh at each other. And the Doctor was trying to impress Rose by name dropping all of the famous people who had given him stuff.

"David Bowie." He said suddenly, pointing at the dimontie studded, red cowboy boots Rose was currently wearing. "David Bowie gave me those boots."  
Rose laughed again. "I don't believe you!"  
The Doctor grinned and leaned closer, poking her in the belly. "Brixton, 1972. Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars. That album is almost entirely all about me."  
"No way!"  
"Yes way!" He grabbed a hairbrush from the littered floor and held it to his mouth. "There's a starmaaaan waiting in the sky!" he crooned, "He'd like to come and meet us, but he thinks he'd blow our minds!"  
"That's never about you." Rose stuck out her tongue.  
He grinned but ignored her, continuing to sing. "Look out your window I can see his li-i-ight, if we can sparkle he may land toni-i-ight!"

As if the words of the song had been the catalyst, the TARDIS gave a great lurch and warning lights began to flash.

"Doctor?"

Quick as a flash he grabbed her hand and they pulled each other up, running down the corridor to the main controls room. Coloured lights were flashing around the console.

"There's a distress signal." The Doctor explained, quickly scanning the computer screen.  
"Is it mauve?"  
"Of course. Mauve and dangerous."  
"Mauve." Rose groaned, "Not that again."

The Doctor whacked the controls console, pressing buttons, pulling leavers and finally kicking it with a flourish. It didn't do much good but it made him look important.

"We met Captain Jack the last time there was a mauve alert." The Doctor reminded her, "I wonder what kind of pretty boy we'll meet this time?"  
Rose ignored his humour. "So what do we do?"  
The Doctor looked her in the eyes seriously. "This could be incredibly dangerous, Rose. I'm not sure we should follow it."  
Rose nodded, just as seriously. "No, of course not."

There was a moment of silence and then the couple grinned at each other. The Doctor kicked a leaver with his foot and the TARDIS lurched again, speeding forwards in time in the direction of a blinking mauve light.


	3. An Entry Fee

**CHAPTER TWO: AN ENTRY FEE**

There was a line all the way down the block.

Howard Moon pushed and shoved past masses of people and attempted to get through the front gate of the zoo. "Zookeeper, coming through. Excuse me, please step aside."  
"Hey Howard!"  
"Vince!" Howard elbowed an old lady in the stomach in an attempt to turn around. "What's going on here? I've never seen the zoo this full before."  
Vince's face was flushed. He looked confused but happy. "Haven't you heard? Bainbridge has discovered a new species of animal! Completely new! Imagine that!"  
"He's what?"  
"Yeah, discovered a new species." Vince beamed, "It was on the front cover of the paper this morning."  
Howard raised an eyebrow. "Since when do you read the newspaper?"  
"I read the paper."  
"You don't read."  
"I do."  
"When have you ever read anything?"  
Vince tried to look mysterious. "I've been known to read many things."  
Howard wasn't taken in. "Like what?"  
"Anything with words, you know. Labels on jars, bus tickets, milk cartons." Vince grinned. "Sweet wrappers, fortune cookies. You name it, I've read it."  
Howard was indignant. "Read me something right now."  
"Alright." Vince agreed cheerfully. "I'll read that poster. Dixon Bainbridge discovers new species. Come to the Zooniverse, where head keeper Dixon Bainbridge unveils a new step in evolution. A creature so incredible and terrifying that you won't believe your eyes. Also Howard is a complete berk."  
Howard's eyes snapped over to the poster, where strangely enough, the berk line was actually printed. He sniffed. "Well done, you can read about as well as a ten year old."  
Vince pouted. "Eleven, at least." He winked.

Howard ignored the wink and stood on his tip-toes, trying to see over the crowd.  
"This is ridiculous, we work here!" He growled. "We don't have to wait in line. Come on!"

Howard grabbed Vince's arm and dragged him through the crowd. "Zookeepers, coming through." After a few more minutes of shoving they finally made it to the end of the line. Howard moved to walk through the gate but the security guard stopped him.

"Excuse me sir," The man said, "But that will be 120 euros please."  
Howard blinked. "What? Graham it's me, Howard Moon. I work here."  
Graham stared at him blankly for a moment. "Are you new?"  
"No, I've been here for years." Howard frowned.  
"I've never seen you before in my life."  
"But I work here! I come past you everyday." More blank stares. "You're joking, right?" He tried again, "Graham, it's me."  
The man frowned. "How do you know my name?"  
"We work together!" Howard cried in desperation, "We see each other everyday!"  
Graham shook his head. "Sorry sir but I have a photographic memory and I would remember that face."

Vince popped his head around Howard's shoulder. "Hey Graham!"  
The security guard smiled friendlily. "Oh hello there Vince. How are you today?"  
"Alright, you?"  
"Not too bad, you go on through my love."  
"Cheers, Graham." Vince waltzed through the gate. Howard made to go through after him but Graham held out his hand. "Not you sir, I'll still be needing 120 euros."  
Howard wanted to pull his hair out. "But I _work_ here!"  
"I have no evidence of that!"

Vince turned around and winked at Howard. "Hey, Graham, don't worry about it. He's with me."

"Oh with you? Okay. That's alright then, Vince."  
Vince grinned as Howard passed sourly through the gate. "Just shut it, will you?" Howard snapped.  
"I didn't even say anything!" Vince laughed. "Come on, let's get inside. I'll make you a cup of tea."

-----

**Author's Notes:**

Just thought I should add a note to the end of this! Like someone pointed out in a review, Graham is from the radio Boosh! I love that part in the show so I thought I would reference it.

Hope y'all enjoying the fic so far. Not sure if I mentioned it before, but there's going to be around twelve chapters. I've already written some of the later ones, but it may be a while before it's finished. Maybe you should review and tell me how much you like it? That might motivate me :D


	4. Travelling Through Time

Hi everyone! Hope you're enjoying the story thus far. I'm having a lot of fun writing it, but I also have three essays due in a couple of weeks that are slightly stressing me out. Ah ye olde university. Anywho, if you're reading this please review! I'd love to know what you think! Comments, critiques and suggestions are all welcome.

-----

**CHAPTER THREE: TRAVELLING THROUGH TIME**

...WHHH-ROOOO WHHH-ROOOO...

Word had spread far and wide about Bainbridge's amazing new discovery. This meant the zoo was so packed with people, no one noticed a mysterious blue box materialising behind some shrubbery. The door to the blue box opened a crack and a head poked out to survey the area.

The head grinned. "Fantastic!" It said.

The Doctor opened the door properly and swept majestically straight out into a garden bed. "Oops." He smiled sheepishly but luckily, Rose hadn't noticed his clumsiness. She was too busy looking around.  
"So," Rose began excitedly, "Where are we, then?"  
"Earth. Twenty-first century, if I'm not mistaken. Welcome home, Rose Tyler!" He grinned. "And it's a zoo! I like zoos, I wonder if they've got monkeys?"

Rose had stopped listening at 'Earth' and had her nose in the air. "I can smell chips!"  
"Ooh." The Doctor nodded in agreement. "Chips. I could go some chips."  
"Good." Rose grinned. "Cause you're paying."  
The Doctor smiled and offered his arm for her to hold. "Rose Tyler, will you accompany me on a stroll around the zoo?"  
Rose grinned and accepted the proffered arm. "Thank you, kind sir, I will!"

-----

Vince and Howard were in the zookeepers' lodge putting on their uniforms when they heard the announcement.

"Welcome to the zooniverse!" Yelled a nasally American accent, "Dixy Bainbridge is about to unveil his incredible latest discovery, so get your asses down to the arena pronto if you want to get your moneys worth!"

Howard scowled at the loudspeaker. "Hmph. Incredible discovery, is it? We'll see about that."

Vince looked up from his jacket, where he was carefully changing his badges and adding a few more dimonties. "What are you muttering about?"  
"Nothing, nothing." Howard replied, still scowling.

Vince went back to his jacket, but clearly it _was_ something because Howard continued muttering after a few minutes. Vince tuned back in, mid-whinge.

"...It's just that I'm so unappreciated in this zoo, you know."  
Vince rolled his eyes but Howard didn't notice.  
"People come from all over to visit this zoo because of me, Vince." He stated calmly. "They've heard of me, and the things I've done. I don't need flashy posters or announcements, no sir. Not Howard Moon. The name alone is enough to draw a crowd."

This was too much for Vince. He raised an eyebrow at Howard. "Heard of you? Whose heard of you? Not even the security guard knows who you are, and you see him everyday!"  
Howard was unperturbed. "Graham's got a bad memory, that's all."  
"He remembers me!"  
"Well you can't ignore pink fluoro, can you?" Howard asked condescendingly, glancing at Vince's tight pink jeans.  
Vince smiled fondly at his new trousers for a moment then continued his rant."And besides, what things have you done?"  
"I've done many things, Vince." Howard replied stiffly, "I just don't go around parading my achievements."  
"Whatever!" Vince laughed, "You're always bangin' on about something or other."  
"I'm a humble man, Vince." Howard explained. "It's not in my nature to boast."  
Vince grinned. "What about yesterday when you found that stamp in the ostrich enclosure?" He chuckled. "You went on about it all day."  
Howard frowned. "It looked like a very valuable stamp! In a complete collection, those things go for hundred of euros!"  
"Yeah, but it wasn't even a stamp. It was half a bus ticket." Vince tried to suppress another grin and failed.  
"Yeah, well." Howard grumbled. "These things happen."

Vince started laughing again and Howard raised his voice to talk over it.

"One day, Vince, I will do great things."  
Vince wiped a tear of laughter from the corner of his eye. "Yeah?" He asked. "Like what?"  
Howard's eyes became misty as he looked off into the distance, imagining his dream. "Something that Bainbridge wouldn't have the courage to do. I will travel through time and space."  
Vince almost choked with laughter. "Travel through time and space?" He laughed, "How are you gonna do that? You get carsick going to the Tescos down the road."  
Howard ignored the sharp remark. "It's not a matter of physically travelling, Vince." He calmly explained. "It is about travelling with the mind."  
"You've gone wrong." Vince chuckled. "Who are you, Marty McFly? Gonna get the flux capacitor out?"  
"Mock me if you will." Howard stated simply. "But you won't be laughing soon."

Vince thought silently for a moment. "I'm gonna travel through time." He declared.  
"What?" Howard snapped out of his trance and looked sharply at Vince.  
"I'm gonna travel through time."  
"No, you're not."  
"I am."  
Howard whined. "Why do you always have to do everything that I do?"  
"Why can't I time travel?"  
"Because you don't have the right character, Vince." Howard explained. "You're too delicate."  
"Too _delicate_?"  
"You see things when you time travel, and not all of them are nice things. You wouldn't be able to handle the harsh reality."  
Vince grinned. "I'm gonna meet Mick Jagger."  
"You're going to meet Mick Jagger?" Howard asked incredulously.  
"1965 would be genius."  
"That's not exactly the point, is it?"  
"How d'you mean?"  
"Well, it's about the big issues, isn't it?" Howard replied sharply, "It's about making a difference."  
Vince winked. "You do it your way and I'll do it mine. Maybe I'll see you there."

There was a moment of silence while they both put on their jackets and walked to the door.

"You're not travelling through time."  
"I am!"


	5. Chips and Dalek

**CHAPTER FOUR: CHIPS AND DALEK**

"These are gorgeous." Rose murmured, stuffing her face with crispy golden chips.  
The Doctor munched happily. "Good chips." He smiled suddenly. "We had chips on our first date."  
Rose grinned. "Aww, we did too." She playfully nudged him with her shoulder. "How romantic."

"Attention, please!"

The crowded arena slowly quietened down as everyone turned to look at the stage. Dixon Bainbridge stood confidently in the centre next to a large object under a white sheet.

"The time has come!" He yelled. "For me to show you my amazing discovery!"

Howard and Vince sauntered over to the back of the arena, cups of tea in hand. Vince was really excited about the presentation, but was trying to look nonchalant for Howard's sake. Howard was still fuming into his tea. Vince nudged him and pointed to the Doctor and Rose, who were sitting not too far away. "Oi Howard, we should get chips."  
"Shush, little man." Howard snapped. "I want to hear what this idiot is going to say."

Bainbridge held up his hands for silence, and eventually, the stage held the full attention of everyone in the arena. "Welcome to the Zooniverse!" He bellowed. "Where I, Dixon Bainbridge, have the honour of being head keeper." Howard snorted into his mug. "I go above and beyond the call of duty, however." Bainbridge continued. "For I am responsible for many of the wonders that have turned up at this zoo. You may remember the Egg of Mantumbi." The audience murmured its approval. "I dangerously trekked where no man had gone before through the icy Arctic Tundra. It was an arduous task, but nothing could prevent me from bringing the Egg home to our great country. Not even at the risk of my own life from the vicious Black Frost."

The audience erupted in cheers and applause but Howard looked apocalyptic.

"We found that Egg!" He hissed. "He waltzed in and stole it from us at the last second!"  
Vince shrugged. "We had fun though!" He grinned.  
Howard glared at him. "We almost died, Vince!"  
Vince looked hurt. "Yeah but at least we were together." He murmured. "It was like a holiday!"  
Howard shook his head. Vince was so optimistic about everything.

Bainbridge held his hands up for silence once more. "Now I will tell you the tale of my latest discovery!" He declared. "It begins with what was supposed to be an innocent holiday cruise to Bermuda. The trip went horribly wrong, however, when our ship became lost in the infamous Bermuda Triangle."

There was a collective gasp from the audience. The Doctor frowned, deep in thought. Rose glanced at him.

"The Bermuda Triangle?" She asked, "What's the deal with that, then?  
He just shook his head in an 'I'll explain later' sort of way and they both turned back to the stage.

"A freak storm turned the, once blue, sky pitch black within seconds. Massive waves pounded the ship and threatened to sink us." Bainbridge paused for dramatic effect. The audience hung on his every word. "I heroically took control of the wheel. Our computerised navigation system had short circuited and even our compass was going crazy. But all of a sudden, a holy power descended upon me, like a gift from the Gods." Bainbridge raised his hands regally in the air. "The power surged into me like fire and instantly, I knew which way to sail." The crowd oohed and ahhed, dissolving into cheers and applause once more. "Instinct guided me to dry land, but unfortunately, our anchor had been lost in the storm. We had no way to anchor the boat to safety."

The audience gasped. One girl in the front row burst into tears.

"Luckily, I had an anchor hidden in my moustache." He finished smugly. The audience went wild. They leapt out of their seats and gave Bainbridge a standing ovation.

"An anchor, hidden in his moustache?" Howard asked, disbelievingly. "Impossible."  
Vince laughed. "Yeah, but look how big his moustache is. It's practically a continent. People go there for holidays. It's got its own airport and five-star resort."  
"Does it now?"  
Vince nodded with a grin. "I went there last summer. Package deal. Beaches are lovely."

"But of course," Continued Bainbridge, "You must be wondering about my discovery." The audience nodded eagerly. "Well, it was there, on the island in the centre of the Bermuda Triangle that I found..." He took one end of the sheet and pulled. "...the Dalek."

The crowd broke out in screams of terror as the metal object was unveiled. It was the height of a young child but was not shaped in anything that looked remotely human. The Dalek had a domed head with a telescope-like eye piece attached to it. It's body was cylindrical with two short arms, one vaguely in the shape of a whisk and the other a plunger. As soon as it saw the crowd of people, the Dalek screeched, "EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!"

The Doctor swore and stood up, ready for action. The crowd went mental, many people abandoning their seats and running for their lives. Howard stood agape, mouth open. The only person who had not freaked out at the mere sight of the Dalek was Vince. The fashionista sipped his tea thoughtfully. "Not too bad. I could fix him up, give him a makeover. Few badges, bit of bling, throw some glitter on it. Lovely."  
Howard stared at him. Vince winked. "Five minutes, easy."  
"Again, Vince." Howard rolled his eyes. "You just keep missing the point."

The Doctor was about to leap onto the stage when Bainbridge held up his hands again. "People, please! The Dalek is completely harmless!" The crowds stopped moving towards the exits but still looked wary. "Did you think I would put anyone in danger?" He laughed heartily. Eventually, the crowd began to laugh along with him, and many people went back to their seats. Rose took the Doctor's hand and led him back to where they had been sitting.

"Something's going on." He muttered wildly at her.  
She nodded. "I know. But let's keep a low profile, yeah?" They sat down together.

Bainbridge continued his speech. "The Dalek came into our camp one night and tried to murder us. I bravely challenged it to a one on one duel, to spare the lives my crew. It shot at me with fiery lasers which I had to swiftly dodge." The crowd gasped again. "I fought with my bare hands and managed to defeat it, dismantling the lasers. It is now completely safe."

There was a thunderous roar of cheers and applause. People were clambering to get up on the stage but security guards held them back. Girls threw their underwear at him. Grown men started weeping with adulation. A deaf, blind, mute quadriplegic in the audience was suddenly cured of all ailments.

"Bless you Dixon Bainbridge!" He croaked, "Bless, you sir!"

Howard couldn't take it any longer. It was too much. He stood up and grabbed Vince by the back of his jacket.

"Come on, little man. Let's get out of here." Vince was reluctant to leave as he wanted to hear the rest of the story. But Howard gave him a look of pleading and he relented.  
"Alright, alright." He sighed. "Stop tuggin' on my jacket. I'll go."

The couple drained the rest of their tea and headed back to the lodge.

The Doctor and Rose were frowning at the reception. "How can they believe that bollocks?" Rose asked angrily. "It's so obviously a lie."  
The Doctor nodded. "Humans love drama. They'll believe practically anything if you hype it up."  
Rose shoved him slightly at the 'human' remark, but looked thoughtful. "Remember that Dalek we ran into with that Van Statten bloke?"  
"Hrmm. Yeah I do." The Doctor scratched his chin. "But that was 2012. That's still a few years in the future. Technically, it hasn't even happened yet."  
"Well," Rose continued carefully, "what if its the same Dalek?"  
The Doctor's eyes opened wide. "Rose Tyler, you're a genius!" He grinned and grabbed her by the shoulders. "I knew I kept you around for a reason!"

Rose beamed, pleased to have had a good idea. It wasn't often that she thought of something that the Doctor didn't and she liked to impress him. The person sat next to Rose angled their head curiously in the direction of their conversation.

"So we're here on purpose." Stated the Doctor firmly. "Something important is going to happen that will lead to Van Statten taking the Dalek as his own."  
"But we could stop it?" Rose asked eagerly.  
The Doctor shook his head. "Not stop it, no. We'll need to be very careful of our actions here. Things with Van Statten all worked out in the end, and we wouldn't want to ruin that outcome."  
Rose sighed. "Time travel is so confusing."  
The Doctor continued. "But Bainbridge's story sounds fishy to me. Something's not right, and we're going to find out the truth."  
Rose agreed with a nod. "If that Dalek really is harmless then we still need to be careful. When I touched it last time it regained all of its powers. It killed almost that entire military base." This remark made the eavesdropper next to Rose very interested indeed.  
"We'll just have to be cautious." The Doctor said simply. He stood up. "Come on, let's go have a look around." He took Rose's hand and helped her out of the seat, then they walked off together towards the back of the arena.

If they had looked back, they would have noticed a glimmer of green from beneath the hoodie of the person Rose had sat next to. But they didn't look back.

The hooded person gave a smile and disappeared into thin air.

-----

**Author's Notes:**

The bit about Vince styling the Dalek was for shadowtheo, who suggested Vince might like to give it a makeover. Thanks shadowtheo!

Thanks everyone for reading! I hope you're enjoying it because we're still not even half way yet. There's still much more intrigue and adventure to come. And Vince and Howard meet the Doctor and Rose in THE NEXT CHAPTER! Woah how 'CITING is that? Sorry to be a bit of a juicy dangler, but I'll have the next chapter up as soon as I can!


	6. Cup of Tea?

Hi everyone! Sorry it's taken me so long to get new chapters up here. I didn't mean to be that much of a juicy dangler! Hopefully this chapter isn't too rushed (I was attempting to write three essays at the same time.)

In other news, WHOAAH THERE! NEW EPISODE OF THE MIGHTY BOOSH ON YOUTUBE! EELS UP INSIDE YA, FINDING AN ENTRANCE WHERE THEY CAN! EELS UP INSIDE YA, FINDING AN ENTRANCE WHERE THEY CAN! EELS! EELS! EELS!

Cough. Sorry about that.

Enjoy.

-----

**CHAPTER FIVE: CUP OF TEA?**

The time travelling duo extricated themselves from the chaotic throng of people surrounding the stage and slipped around the side of the building.

"So what are we looking for exactly?" Rose muttered, surveying the scene with narrowed eyes. The Doctor glanced around for a door into the lodge.  
"I'm not sure really." He admitted, "A computer, maybe. Or notes, photographs, some sort of record of the expedition. I want to know exactly how that Bainbridge character came across a real life dalek and why."  
Rose frowned. "Persistent little buggers, aren't they? I thought me and bad wolf wiped out the last of 'em."  
The Doctor grinned at her. "And you did very well, too." He was teasing, but his eyes turned dark. "But of course, the daleks always manage to survive somehow." He trailed off, eyes cast downwards.

Rose forced a smile to try and lighten the mood, though her heart ached for him. It would be difficult for the Doctor to even look at a dalek, just knowing they were responsible for the destruction of his people. Rose shivered involuntarily but shrugged it off and changed the subject.

"Look." She pointed. "Door."  
"Ah!" The Doctor bounded over to it, and the tension broke immediately. Rose exhaled deeply.  
"Doors are good." The Doctor grinned, pulling on the handle. It wouldn't budge."Especially locked ones. In my experience they usually have something interesting behind them."  
"Something interesting, or something dangerous." Rose added, prodding him in the back.  
"Rose Tyler, where's your sense of adventure?" The Doctor winked and pulled out his sonic screwdriver.  
Rose smiled but rolled her eyes. "Haven't you heard of knockin'? You're always bringin' out that thing."  
"This_thing_ is a very delicate piece of equipment, Rose." The Doctor said in a wounded tone. "Besides, we're supposed to be snooping. We can't just knock."  
"Suit yourself." Rose leaned against the wall and watched for any people coming.

The Doctor tried the handle again but it still wouldn't budge. "Hrmm." He muttered. "Is it deadlocked sealed?"  
Rose looked over and laughed. "Can I say something?"  
"Not now Rose, I'm busy opening this door."

Rose rolled her eyes and walked over, shoving him aside lightly. "If you'll allow me to step in." She turned the knob and pushed the door open.

The Doctor stared at the open door. "How did you...?"  
Rose raised an eyebrow at him. "You were pullin' on it. It says 'push.'"  
The Doctor looked sheepish. "You're more than just a pretty face, aren't you Rose Tyler? First the dalek, now the door..."  
Rose grinned and threw her hair back haughtily. "What would you do without me?"

"Hello?" A moustached man in a green zookeeper uniform appeared in the now open doorway. "Who are you?"  
Rose smiled brightly at the man. "Hi! I'm Rose Tyler and this is the Doctor."  
The man looked confused. "Doctor who?"  
"Exactly." The Doctor replied with a grin. Another man in a jazzier looking zookeeper uniform poked his head around the door.  
"Alright?" He nodded with a friendly grin. "I'm Vince Noir, and this crazy character is Howard Moon."  
The moustached man saluted. "Hi."

Rose blushed slightly at Vince. They had found their 'pretty boy' after all.

"Nice hair!" She gushed at him.  
"Cheers." He replied with a wink. "Nice boots!"  
"Thanks!" Rose beamed. "David Bowie gave them to me."  
Vince was impressed. "Wow, seriously? Genius!"

Howard and the Doctor rolled their eyes at the exchange. "Companions." The Doctor muttered.  
"Tell me about it." Howard replied.

They walked into the lodge together and sat down on the lounges. Vince put the kettle on.  
"So what brings you to the zoo?" Vince asked conversationally, getting four mugs out from the cupboard.  
The Doctor and Rose gave each other a sly look. "Just passing through." The Doctor replied carefully, "Seeing the sights, you know."  
"Ha!" Howard scoffed. "Enjoy the dalek, did you?"  
The couple gave each other another look, which Vince and Howard noticed. "Yeah." Agreed Rose. "It was quite...erm... impressive."  
Howard snorted. "All lies if you ask me. We've dealt with Bainbridge before."  
"Really?" Inquired the Doctor, his interest sparked. "What happened?"  
"Well, the Egg of Mantumbi for starters." Howard began pompously. "Bainbridge stole it from me. I travelled to the Arctic Tundra and found that Egg."  
"_We_ found it." Vince added. "And anyway, I think you'll find I did most of the work."  
"You?" Howard asked incredulously. "What did you do, in your human coke can? Nothing. You pranced around throwing snowballs at me."  
Vince laughed. "That was brilliant."  
"No it wasn't!" Howard whined. "You didn't take it seriously."  
Vince grinned. "Yeah but I found the frozen words. And I grabbed the Egg from the pillar."  
"Which set off the alarm and we were both captured." Sniffed Howard.  
Vince smiled. "And then you told me you loved me!" He fluttered his eyelids at Howard who had turned bright red.  
"I thought I told you never to mention that!" Howard hissed. "I thought we were going to die!"

Rose and the Doctor had been watching this whole exchange, mouths slightly open in confusion. The Doctor decided to get things back on track.

"So a dalek, eh?"  
Howard and Vince stopped bickering and turned sheepishly to the Doctor.  
"Yeah." Howard said. "But that can't be the real story of how he found it."  
The Doctor raised an eyebrow. "How do you know?"  
Howard raised an eyebrow in response. "Let's just say, I know how Bainbridge works."

The Doctor and Rose looked at each other and had a private conversation with their eyes. Rose nodded. The Doctor looked back at Howard.  
"What would you say if I told you the dalek was an alien?" The Doctor asked seriously.

Both Howard and Vince burst out laughing and then suddenly stopped.

"Actually," Vince chuckled, "That wouldn't be too far out for us, would it Howard?"  
Howard shrugged. "Not really."

The Doctor looked impressed at their reaction. He decided they could be let in on a little more information. "Rose and I sort of travel around, helping people with alien problems." He explained, "And we've met daleks before."  
Rose frowned. "These daleks, they're dangerous."  
Howard gulped. "But that thing was harmless."  
The Doctor shook his head. "It can sort of... regenerate... if touched by a time traveller." He explained carefully. "Rose accidentally touched one once and it regenerated and started killing people."  
"Touched by a time traveller?" Vince asked suddenly.  
"Yep?"  
"So you and Rose are time travellers?"

The Doctor and Rose looked at each other. "Well..."  
"I mean..."

Vince laughed in sudden realisation. "Oh my god, you're the Doctor! THE Doctor!"  
The Doctor attempted to hide his pleasure at being recognised but failed. "Oh. You've uh... heard of me, then?" He asked mildly. Rose rolled her eyes.  
Vince chuckled. "Heard of you? Biggest fan more like-"  
Howard cut him off. "Doctor, sir, we're so honoured to have you here in our zoo." He said, voice oozing with sweetness. "If there's anything that I, Howard Moon, can do to aid you in your quest, just say the word."

Vince mouthed "Suck up" to Rose and she had difficulty hiding her grin.

The Doctor took his glasses out of his coat pocket. "Good. Because we're going to need all the help we can get. This dalek is extremely dangerous. If we aren't incredibly careful, it could mean the destruction of the entire human race."

Vince and Howard stared. The kettle whined shrilly for a moment and then clicked off.

"Erm." Vince muttered awkwardly. "Cup of tea?"


	7. The Moon

**CHAPTER SIX: THE MOON**

When you are the moon, ah, you meet a lot of interesting people. There is a people who they call ah, the Doctor man. He flies around space in a little, a blue box. I-I seen the box one time and it was bigger on the inside! Imagine that! Big enough for a the moon! So, we ah, I travelled with the Doctor man for a while. But then when he take me home, he take me back to the wrong place! I say, "this isn't the milky way! It's the andromeda!" I had to hitchhike back! It's not easy to hitchike when you are the moon, cause you don't have no thumbs. Took ages! Flippin' idiot...

I'm the moon.


	8. Divide and Conquer

Big thanks to the handful of people who are reading this story. You're all diamonds.

-----

**CHAPTER SEVEN: DIVIDE AND CONQUER**

The Doctor put on his glasses.

Howard acknowledged this small detail with a slight nod, instantly recognising in the Doctor another 'man of action'. Rose smiled. She liked it when the Doctor put on his glasses. Apart from the fact that she dug the geek-chic look he had going on, the glasses meant he had a plan. And a plan was what they needed most right now. Vince, however, didn't notice anything at all. He was too busy imagining himself wearing Rose's boots. Heh, Ziggy Stardust. Genius.

"Right." Said the Doctor. "Divide and conquer. That's what we're going to do, _divide _and_ conquer_."  
Vince raised his hand. "Can I be partners with Howard?" he asked, rather childishly.  
"Erm." The Doctor surveyed Vince mildly from over the top of the glasses. "I don't see why not?"

Vince grinned but Howard raised his hand.

The Doctor motioned impatiently for him to go on. "Yeah, you don't have to raise your hand to speak. We're not in school."  
"Vince and I should split up." Howard said quickly, ignoring Vince's looks of protest. "Because we both know our way around the zoo but neither of you do."  
"Good point." Admitted the Doctor.  
"So," Howard continued breathlessly, "I'll go with Rose and you can go with Vince."  
The Doctor glanced at Vince. "Okay. Sounds fine to me."  
Rose screwed up her nose. "Why don't I go with Vince?"  
"Nah!" The Doctor retorted breezily, "We should split the teams boy/girl, boy/girl. No offence, Vince."  
"None taken. Fair call." Vince said, without missing a beat. He was, after all, doing his hair in the window.

Rose was less than enthusiastic but she reluctantly agreed. "Ok, deal. So what's the plan?"  
The Doctor grinned. "Right!" He declared, "Team A, that's Howard and Rose. Team A will go to Bob Fossil's office and try to find some record of the expedition." Everyone nodded.  
"Team B, that's Vince and I, will locate the Dalek and examine it more closely. I might try to talk to it, find out where it came from." The Doctor turned serious. "If we have to, we will... do away with it."  
Vince gulped. "And when you say 'we', you mean 'you', right?"  
The Doctor continued. "We'll meet back here in exactly one hour. Synchronised watches." The group gathered together in a circle and held out a wrist, ensuring the time on their watches was all the same. They also exchanged telephone numbers. The Doctor continued. "If there is any problem at all, call someone."  
Vince grinned. "I'll call Leroy, he'll know what to do."

They moved as a team towards the door. If this were a movie and not a fanfiction they all would have been in slow motion, a slight breeze ruffling their hair. Something momentous was occurring, they all felt it. There was a sort of electricity in the air.

"Right." The Doctor grinned. "Alonzé!"

-----

TEAM A

Strangely, the door to the office wasn't locked.

"So, if I were a bunch of secret documents, where would I be?" Rose muttered.  
Howard scratched his chin. "Probably in some really clichéd location." He replied. "You know, like in a safe behind a painting or something."

Rose and Howard looked at each other, then looked at the wall. Hanging above a filing cabinet was an oil pastel portrait of Dixon Bainbridge.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Rose asked.  
Howard flicked up his collar seductively. "Sure, do you like Chinese food?"  
Rose raised an eyebrow. "I meant about the safe."  
"Oh." Howard coughed. "Right. The safe. Yeah, that's what I meant too."

Rose rolled her eyes and moved to the wall, lifting the painting carefully down onto the desk. Sure enough, a shiny silver safe gleamed down at them. She grinned.  
"Now, we just need the combination."  
"Try 999." Howard suggested.  
Rose looked dubious. "Nah, no one would be that stupid. Would they?"  
Howard looked at her seriously. "You did hear his speech, didn't you?"  
"You're right." Rose agreed. "999." She fiddled with the dial for a moment and it clicked open easily. "Bingo."

The pair rummaged around in the safe, pulling out various documents. Rose picked up a black organiser and looked through it with growing excitement. "This is it!" She exclaimed. "It's Bainbridge's diary. It has all the notes he made on the expedition."  
Howard pulled out a bunch of photos. "Look." He pointed. "It's Bainbridge and the dalek. Only he's not on an island or anything, it's in a laboratory."

Rose studied the polaroid. There was some writing on the bottom that said, 'Day One.' She flicked back to the start of the diary and read aloud. "Day One. After many set backs and delays, I finally had a meeting with my contact at the Torchwood Institute. He was not exaggerating; the experiment did not disappoint. Dr. Singh's dalek is unlike anything I've ever seen before. It was surely worth the ten thousand euros it cost me to buy the meeting. He would not, however, sell me the dalek as I had originally intended. So I stole it."

They were silent for a moment, thinking hard. Howard rummaged about and found another photograph marked, 'The beginning.' It was a picture of what looked like a blast site. There was a large field surrounded by trees. In the centre of the field was a massive scorch mark, as if something had exploded. Rose flicked to the next entry.

"Day Four. The story about how the dalek came to be is intriguing. According to the bits and pieces of information I've picked up, the dalek fell to Earth quite a few years ago. It landed on Ascension Island and burned in a crater for three days before Torchwood managed to extricate it."

Rose looked thoughtful. "Torchwood." She frowned. "That name sounds so familiar but I don't know why..."

They hunted through the mess of documents for another mention of the mysterious institute but found nothing else of interest. She felt a twinge of unease. That word meant something. It was important. But why? For a second, Rose was overwhelmed by an incredible sense of danger and panic. Her common sense soon put her right again, but Rose couldn't help the feeling of foreboding that Torchwood would somehow be the end of her.

Rose picked up the organiser once more and continued reading. "Day Ten. My scientists and I have studied the dalek for some time now and have agreed it is not fully operational. It appears to have weapons, but they are damaged and cannot be activated. The dalek seems intelligent but will not communicate with us. Until we can repair the weapons it is of little use to me, so I have decided to put it in the zoo. People would pay a fortune to see something like this, and a fortune is what I want."

Rose looked disgusted. "That Bainbridge is some hero."  
"I told you he was lying." Howard exclaimed. "He's a complete fraud." Howard puffed out his chest. "It's always Vince and me who are the real heroes. Well, mostly me. Vince is actually more of my sidekick."

Rose was flicking through the organiser, not really paying attention to Howard. She was trying to see if Bainbridge had written more notes about the dalek or Torchwood but it looked like he hadn't. There were just a few scribbled lists and appointments, like "DATE WITH YVONNE" but nothing that particularly interested Rose.

"I'm the real leader of this zoo." Howard continued pompously. "Yes sir. Everyone looks up to me around here. I'm the man of action, the man with the plan. I'm Howard Moon, I span the genres. I break down boundaries. You try to put me in a box, I'll break out of the box." He rambled on, unaware that Rose wasn't paying him any attention. "I'm a writer. I'm a musician. And aside from that, I'm also a fully trained porpoise jockey. Porpoise races can be quite a sight for a young lady to see." Howard winked at Rose. "You and I make quite a team, Rose."  
"We do?" Rose looked up, warily.  
Howard nodded and smoothed back his eyebrows seductively. "It's because we have so much in common."  
"Oh?"  
"Yeah, you know." Howard moved closer. "I've got a face, you've got a face. We have a deep connection."  
Rose blinked. "Oh." She realised where he was going. "Sorry, Howard but I'm not..." She looked awkward. "I don't..."  
Howard sighed. "That's alright." Truth be told, he wasn't that bothered either way. "So. You and the Doctor... are you two...?"  
"No!" Rose blushed scarlet. "I dunno. Me and him? We're not _together_." She was flustered. "I mean, I don't know how he feels but... It's complicated."  
Howard smiled slightly. "I get it."  
Rose nodded, relieved. "Yeah. So, what about you and Vince? Are you...?"  
Howard spluttered. "What? Vince and me?" He laughed awkwardly. "We're just friends. People always assume we're a couple. But we're not." He trailed off lamely. "It's complicated."  
Rose smiled. "I get it." Howard smiled back sheepishly.

"How touchin'. I'm tearin' up!"

Suddenly, someone whacked Howard over the head from behind with something heavy. As the world slowly turned black, Howard could hear Rose's scream echoing through the room.

-----

TEAM B

"Rose was quite taken with you." The Doctor glanced sideways at Vince as they slunk toward the dalek enclosure.  
Vince shrugged non-committally and laughed. "Was she?"  
The Doctor raised an eyebrow. "You didn't notice?"

Vince looked up with surprise, realising the Doctor was actually jealous of him.

"Sorry." Vince said, and he meant it. "I didn't know you two were together."  
The Doctor turned away. "We're not."  
"Oh."  
"I was just making a comment."  
Vince grinned. "It's okay. You don't have anything to worry about."  
The Doctor glanced back at Vince, half-suspiciously, half-hopefully. "I don't?"  
Vince shook his head. "She's a nice girl and everything but I'm not interested. Plus, I reckon she's keen on someone else."  
"Really?" The Doctor looked surprised. "Not Howard?"  
Vince laughed and looked at the Doctor pointedly. The Doctor gave him a half-smile.  
"Ah." The Doctor said.  
Vince nodded. "Definitely."  
The Doctor's smile turned into a frown and turned away again. "Hrm..."

Vince looked confused and was about to inquire further when they reached the door to the enclosure.

Vince pulled out a set of keys. "If Bainbridge catches us I'm gonna be in so much trouble." He fumbled with the keys, trying to find the right one. The Doctor nudged him aside and pulled out his sonic screwdriver. The door was open in two seconds flat.

"Then lets not get caught." The Doctor said with a grin, waving the screwdriver triumphantly.  
Vince stared in awe at the sonic screwdriver. "Woah. I gotta get one of those."

The pair slowly stepped into the room. It was very dark. Fossil had put a curtain up over the bars so no one would be able to view the dalek for free. The enclosure had a strange décor considering it was for a creature as terrifying as a dalek. It was full of huge (probably polystyrene) rocks and fake, plastic-looking palm trees. The ground was covered in sand.

Vince pointed to the corner of the room. "Over there." He whispered. There was a large shape in the distance covered by a white sheet. The Doctor moved carefully and quietly over to the shape, Vince lagging behind him.

The Doctor took a deep breath and reached out to grab the material. "1...2...3." He flicked off the cloth to find...

"What the-"

A large boulder loomed out from under the sheet. There was no dalek to be seen.

Suddenly, several things happened at once.

Firstly, Vince screamed. The Doctor whipped his head around in time to hear the door slam shut behind him. Vince was gone. He bolted to the door. "It's a trap!" The Doctor yelled. He yanked on the handle but it wouldn't budge- someone had barred it from the other side. A green face with catfish whiskers appeared for a second in the tiny window and then disappeared. The Doctor whipped out his phone and dialled furiously... Vince...Howard...Rose... Each time there was no answer.

The Doctor beat on the door with his fists. "ROSEEEEEEE!"

-----

Dun dun dun. I had to throw in some fluffy 'deep and meaningfuls.' It's probably the closest I'll get to writing romance into this fic... although who knows! Yeah, they're a little out of character but you love it you slags.


	9. Escape and Regroup

**CHAPTER EIGHT: ESCAPE AND REGROUP**

The Doctor set his sonic screwdriver to maximum power and smashed that door down like a motherbitch. He then ran like a brown blur to Fossil's office, but Rose was nowhere in sight. Howard was though, he had passed out on the floor.

The Doctor picked him up by the shoulders and shook him hard. "Howard!" He yelled, "Wake up!"  
Howard opened one eye blearily. "Extra cheese, thanks."  
"Howard, WAKE UP!" The Doctor shook him harder. "What happened to Rose?"  
Howard groaned. "Dunno. We were talking and someone hit me over the head."  
The Doctor was frantic. "Did you see who it was?"  
Howard winced. "No, they got me from behind." He glanced around. "Where's Vince?"  
The Doctor stood up, frustrated. "They took him too."  
"No!" Howard gasped. "Vince is in danger?"

Bob Fossil suddenly appeared in the doorway. "What are you chumps doing in my office?"

The Doctor stormed to the door and grabbed Fossil by the front of his shirt, slamming him up against the wall.

"Where's Rose?" The Doctor demanded.  
"And Vince too!" Howard added quickly.  
"I don't know!" Fossil whined, "It's all gone wrong! Some cockney bastard came and stole the pepperpot man."  
The Doctor looked blank."The what?"  
Fossil mimed with his hands. "The metal man, the plunger face man, with the whisk."  
"The dalek?"  
"Say that again." Fossil held up a tape recorder to the Doctor's mouth.  
"Dalek?"  
Fossil beamed and hit play on the recorder. _Dalek?_ echoed metalically through the tiny speaker.

The Doctor took off his glasses and rubbed the bridge of his nose. He was seriously resisting the urge to punch someone.

Howard's mouth suddenly opened in an 'oh' of realisation. "Of course!"  
The Doctor spun around to glare at the jazz maverick.  
"We can ask Naboo where they are!" Howard blurted, "He's a shaman, he'll know for sure."  
The Doctor didn't look convinced.  
Howard puffed out his chest. "Don't worry, as long as you've got Howard Moon on your side, everything will be coming up Doctor."  
The Doctor sighed and led the way out of the door. "Well I guess I've trusted bigger idiots..."

-----

Naboo and Bollo were calmly smoking a hookah when Howard and the Doctor burst into the room.

After a hurried explanation of the problem, Naboo raised his hand for silence. He closed his eyes and slowed his breathing, going into a mini-trance. After a few moments he spoke. "Rose, Vince and the dalek are in the zoo for animal offenders."  
Howard gasped. "I've been there before. That means the Hitcher has them."  
The Doctor's brow was furrowed. "The Hitcher?"  
"He's this green, cockney witch man." Howard shuddered. "He's dangerous. But he plays a great slap bass."

The Doctor turned back to Naboo. "What can we do?"  
Naboo reached into his pocket and pulled out a small package. He put something small and white into both Howard and the Doctor's hands. The Doctor examined it.  
"A polo?"  
Naboo nodded. "It's a magic polo. Eat it."  
They did so. "Now what?" The Doctor asked, crunching on the polo.  
"Catch the 412 bus into Camden."  
The Doctor nearly spat out the mint. "Sorry?" He glanced at Howard.  
"Camden." Naboo repeated.  
Howard raised an eyebrow. "Right. Okay."  
Naboo continued. "Go to the Hawley Arms pub and ask for a flirtini. The barman is called Alan. He will give you the Hitcher's magic box. It's a portal to the zoo."

The Doctor nudged Howard and gave him a look. Howard coughed. "Can't you just magic us there, Naboo?"  
Naboo frowned slightly. "I did give you a magic polo."  
"Well then," Howard compromised, "Could you at least lend us the bus fare?"  
Naboo reached into his pocket and pulled out a couple of euros. "Here. You'd better go."  
Howard took the money. "Cheers, Naboo." He called as they raced out the door to the bus stop.

Naboo went quietly back to his hookah. Bollo was curious. "Will magic polos work?"  
"I hope so." Naboo said. "Their breath was terrible."

-----

The bus was late.

When it finally arrived there was no place left to sit, so they had to stand wedged between an overweight labourer with bad body odour and a woman with a pram, complete with crying baby. Needless to say, it was a loooong ride to the Hawley Arms.

After what seemed an eternity, the pair stood outside the dark green exterior of Camden's premier pub. The Doctor noted the sign out the front, ("A real boozer!") and winced slightly as they walked to the front entrance. Inevitably, the bouncer stopped them.

"Oi mate, where do you think you're going?"  
The Doctor looked innocent. "Into...the pub?"  
"Sure you are mate, but not 'til I see some ID."  
The Doctor couldn't believe what he was hearing. "You're kidding."  
"How old are you, then?"  
The Doctor raised an eyebrow. "I lost count after 900."  
The bouncer cracked his knuckles. "Smart mouth, eh?"  
"Come on, you must be able to tell I'm overage."  
"Nuh, you look like some kid on work experience to me."

Defeated, the Doctor felt around in his pocket. He held up some (psychic) paper for the bouncer to see. "Look, I'm old. Now let me in."

The bouncer chuckled and waved them through. As Howard passed, he gave a hoot of laughter.  
"Brought your dad in, did ya?" Howard mustered up what little dignity he had and ignored that particular remark. However, when they got inside he felt very old indeed.

The pub was crammed full of people. Most of the clientèle were young indie-scenesters, with skinny black jeans, shiny boots or converse trainers, band t-shirts and big hair. Vince would have felt right at home, had he been with them and not in mortal peril.  
It was difficult to navigate through the crowd but they eventually made it to the bar.

"Beer?" The barman asked simply.  
The Doctor leaned in closer. "Alan?"  
The barman, Alan glanced around for eavesdroppers. "Flirtini?"  
The Doctor nodded."We'll take two."  
Alan plonked two vibrant yellow drinks onto the bar along with an old wooden box covered in polos. He winked knowingly.  
"It's on the house."  
The Doctor tapped his nose. "Cheers."

They found a relatively quiet corner and set the box on the ground. Kneeling down next to it, the Doctor took in a deep breath. "Bottoms up." He said. And bottoms up they went, straight into the box.

-----

**Author's notes:**

As Russell Brand would say, other pubs are available.

You would be surprised at how much research I've done for this fanfiction! Granted, most of it was through Wikipedia, but I've done my best to get the right dates and places for different things. Frank Sinatra _might_ have been in New Orleans in 1943, apparently around that time it was rather swingtastic. David Bowie was born in Brixton so it stands to reason he _could_ have been around there in 1972 when they were doing Ziggy Stardust. Mick Jagger and the Rolling Stones were _probably_ having a good time around 1965. But hey, when weren't they having a good time?

I've not been to the Hawley Arms in Camden, though it's supposedly a favourite of Noel Fielding and a bunch of other rely faymus people. I'm just going on stuff I've heard about it, so I have no idea if my descriptions are accurate! Could I please note though, at some point there actually was a barman called Alan. Not sure if he's still there. But that's how much I care about the little details, people.

I turn 18 in a few days but I've been living in Sydney now for about a year. It's been frustrating when I want to go out and see bands, or go to a pub with friends and I get asked for ID. It's like, dudes, I don't even want to drink, I just want to play Space Invaders. Alas... I wish I had some psychic paper, sneaking around the back way only works the first couple of times...

I hope everyone gets the kid on work experience jokes XD

The bus part is based on everyday of my life. I loathe public transport. It's never on time, I can never get a seat, and someone is either sneezing in my face, talking on their phone, screaming in my ear or trying to chat me up (yeah disgusting old drunk bloke, I really believe that you went to school with Chrissy Amphlett, YOU PERVE.)

Oh, and you might ask why they didn't just use the TARDIS to go to Camden instead of taking the bus. Here is where the Doctor would shout, "We can't use the TARDIS! We're part of the events now!"

Whatever THAT means. Sheesh.

Crikey, these notes are getting longer than the actual story now. Time to wrap this shiz up.


	10. Apples and Pears and Various Other Fruit

HA. When Noel and Julian were on the Colin Murray radio show recently, they talked about how Julian would make a good Doctor and Noel would make a lovely companion. It's true, damn it! And the best part is, I had written this chapter before I heard the interview...

-----

**CHAPTER NINE: APPLES AND PEARS AND VARIOUS OTHER FRUIT**

It was quite dark inside the zoo for animal offenders. Which was lucky, because they didn't really want to know what sort of animals made the creepy noises that echoed from the cages lining the room. Over the disturbing sounds of the animal offenders, however, were some other strange noises.

"Do you hear that?" The Doctor asked.  
Howard nodded in agreement. "Sounds like music."  
"Where's it coming from?"  
Howard shook his head wordlessly. They continued down the dark corridor and the music got steadily louder.

"And then it goes, bam! Monkey stole my face, took me down to another place. Now I'm leader of their race, I'm the monkey kinggg!"  
There was muffled laughter. "I'm the monkey king!"

The Doctor and Howard rounded the corner to find Vince and Rose, perfectly safe, sitting on beanbags in a cell. They were eating crisps and laughing. Howard coughed pointedly and they looked up.

"Oh hey Howard!" Vince exclaimed cheerfully. "Rose is gonna join our band, she can play keyboard."  
"I had piano lessons when I was eight." Rose grinned.  
Howard went red in the face. "Mmbjno?" He choked, unable to get the words out. "Do you mean to tell me that I've been worried sick about you, you stupid electro ponce, and you've been here singing the whole time?"  
Vince was surprised at Howard's reaction, but pleasantly so. "Well, I _was_ brutally kidnapped first." He winked and offered the packet in between the bars of the cell. "Crisp?"  
Howard just fumed silently.  
Vince grinned. "Good to see you too, Howard."

Meanwhile, the Doctor was smiling at Rose through the bars. "Hi." He said simply.  
She smiled back. "Hi."  
"Missed you."  
Rose laughed softly. "Me too."

The Doctor's smile grew wider. They stared, almost longingly, at each other for a moment, just glad to be in the other's company again. In that moment he wanted nothing more than to kiss her, but there were still bars creating a space between them. The Doctor fumbled for his sonic screwdriver to release her, but the moment had passed. Come doomsday, he would regret it, and so would she.

Less than a minute later the group were properly reunited, wandering down the dark corridor back the way they came in. Rose was latched onto the Doctor's arm and Vince was attempting to do the same to Howard. Rose could hear quiet mutterings of, "Don't touch me!" behind her.

"Thing is," The Doctor mused, "Why did they kidnap you?"  
Rose shrugged. "They didn't say, did they Vince?"  
Vince shook his head and crunched on another crisp. "They didn't say much at all, just random cockney nonsense."  
The Doctor frowned. "Something isn't right about this. Where's the dalek, anyway?"

A wheezy voice coughed from behind them.  
"We took that dalek from the geeza wif the big Dot And Dash, dinn we?"

The group spun around, suddenly surrounded by cockney voices.

"Wotcha there, youngins." Said a green cockney man.  
Another laughed, "In'cha a bit far from Pope in Rome, squire?"  
"'re ya Kate Moss-ed?" Smirked another, "'re ya feelin' scared?"

Howard looked terrified. "They're talking in cockney rhyming slang!" There was a collective gasp from the group. "How will we know what they're saying?"  
"Don't worry." Rose said bravely, "I'm a Londoner. I've got it all under control."  
Vince nodded. "Me too!" He declared. "Ya can't two-foot rule us. We speak your cockney language!"  
Rose beamed. "Yeah, so Kettle and Hob aahhht ya cockney bastards! We can trash-talk loike the Mae West of ya!"  
The cockneys gasped. "Wot the 'eck?" Exclaimed one, "'a do they kna the cockney Brigham Young?"  
"I can't adam 'n eve it!"

Howard attempted to be fierce. "Yeah so, why don't you get your... erm..._dog and bone_ out and call your leader!"  
The cockneys burst out laughing. Vince cringed slightly. "Ah well. Could have been worse."

Rose was still excitedly spouting random phrases. "Giraffe aw ya loike!" She yelled. "We can Rabbit and Pork aw night long if ya want!"

"That won't be necessary, lass."

The other cockneys quietened instantly and moved quickly to their master's side. A tall man in a long black jacket, black hat and boots walked slowly into the dim light. His skin was mottled green, his hair was lank and grey and there was a polo over his eye. The hitcher had arrived.

The Hitcher laughed menacingly as he surveyed the group. "Ahhh what've we got here, eh? The Doctor and his beautiful companion." He strode over towards Vince and Howard. "What's your name, gorgeous?"

"...Vince."

Rose coughed. "Actually, I'm the companion."  
"And_I'm_ the Doctor!" The real Doctor waved jauntily. "Hello!"

The Hitcher turned away from Howard and eyed the Doctor.  
"You, boy?" The Hitcher laughed. "You're the famous Doctor? You look like some kid on work experience."  
The Doctor sniffed. "Why does everyone keep saying that?"

They were suddenly interrupted by a terrifying screech that seemed to come from below their feet. It was a million times worse than fingernails scraping on a blackboard, and everyone jerked uncontrollably for a second, trying in vain to cover their ears. The screeching ceased after a few seconds but a dull ringing remained.

"What the hell was that?" Vince yelped.  
The Doctor growled. "The dalek." He advanced on the Hitcher. "What are you doing to it?"  
The Hitcher laughed again, unfazed by the Doctor's aggression. "Worried about it, are you boy? Interesting, seeing as they were the ones who destroyed your race."  
The Doctor paused, taken aback. "How do you-"  
"I know many things, boy." The Hitcher cackled. "I know all of your deepest, darkest secrets!"  
"He's telling pork pies!" Howard exclaimed.  
Vince sighed. "We're done with the rhyming, Howard."  
"Sorry." Howard coughed sheepishly.

The Hitcher ignored the interruption and continued.  
"I know many things, squire!" He bellowed. "Many things, including the fact that a single touch from a time traveller can awaken the hidden menace within that metal box."

With a mad glint in his eye, the Hitcher swung his cane up into the air and brought it crashing down onto the floor. A very specific place on the floor. A big red button. As soon as the two surfaces met, the ground beneath the Doctor and Howard gave way, sending them spiralling down into a metal cage.

The room below was a blinding white, so bright it made their eyes water. It was filled almost entirely by the metal cage, although there was a small space to walk around the edge. And the cage wasn't empty. The dalek writhed about looking entirely worse for wear, as if it had been tortured at a great length. The Doctor almost felt sorry for it. But its hard to feel sorry for something that could kill you at any second.

Because the dalek wasn't harmless anymore. When the Doctor and Howard had fallen into the room, they made contact with the alien creature. And there was a shiny gold hand print on its metal case.

"Rose, run!" The Doctor yelled.

The dalek screeched again, but this time it was a screech of triumph. In a flash, the colour returned to its dull metal case. Dents and scratches vanished as if they had never been there. And its laser started warming up with a low hum.

The Hitcher laughed manically. "We're off then! Have fun dying, you slags."  
The other cockneys cackled along with him.  
"Clock ya mashed potato!"  
"Robin Hood Donald Duck!"  
Vince glared at them. "That's just getting silly now."

The Hitcher saluted cheerfully and the cockneys all disappeared into thin air.

Rose and Vince hurried over to the edge of the gaping hole and looked down into the cage. The Doctor and Howard had backed away to the edge of the cage, creating the biggest space they could between them and the dalek. They both knew it wouldn't help much with the laser.

Fully regenerated, the dalek screeched "EXTERMINATEEEEEEE!" and fired a bolt directly at the helpless duo.

-----

WOOAHHH what will happen next?! This is just too darn exciting. I need to go have a lie down.

Oh, and I'm afraid I cheated with the cockney rhyming slang. I'm about as good as Howard, all I really know is dog and bone, apples and pears, that sort of thing. But I found a great translator on a site called woohoo dot com.  
Look it up, it's genius!


	11. Reverse the Polarities

**CHAPTER TEN: REVERSE THE POLARITIES**

They jumped.

The laser fizzled onto the wall behind them, leaving a terrible black scorch mark in its wake. Bit of an anticlimax, yes, but we can't have our heroes dying now can we? There'd be no continuity!

The dalek made a metallic growl, annoyed to have missed. It continued firing laser bolts at the pair and they had to duck and dodge like madmen to try and escape. But it wasn't a very big cage and as soon as they started to tire, that would be it.

Nevertheless, the Doctor wasn't thinking about his own safety. "Rose, you need to get out of here!"  
"Are you kiddin' me?" She screamed down in response. "I can't leave you!"  
"You're not safe up there!" The Doctor insisted, ducking another bolt. "Forget about us, just go!"

Vince hovered by the edge of the hole, wanting desperately to run away but not able to leave Howard behind. Vince groaned. "This is what happens, yeah? He gets himself in trouble and I've got to come in and save him."  
Howard gave an indignant cry. "You have to save me? Other way round, more like!"  
The dalek shot a bolt at him and he rolled away with a girlish scream. "Don't kill me, I've got so much to give!" He cried. "Vince, do something!"  
"What can I do?" Vince called back frantically.

Rose was thinking hard, eyes darting about the surroundings. Usually it was up to the Doctor to think of a plan but not this time. Rose Tyler had to be the Doctor. So what would he do in this situation?

"He'd use that bloody thing!" She yelled. "Sonic us up!"

The Doctor curled into a ball for a second and fumbled in his jacket. He pulled out something and threw it up to Vince, who caught it on the tips of his fingers. It was the sonic screwdriver.

Vince looked apprehensive. "What am I supposed to do with this?" He squeaked.

Rose ran over to the wall and pulled a fire hose out of its compartment. She dragged the hose over to the hole and chucked it down into the small section of space outside the cage.

"Let's go, Vince!"

Rose bravely climbed down first, hoping desperately that the dalek wouldn't decide to zap her on the way. But luckily it hadn't seemed to notice her, it was having too much fun trying to kill the Doctor and Howard. Vince put the sonic screwdriver in his mouth and clambered down the makeshift rope after Rose. But when they entered the cage, they realised just how desperate the situation was.

There was no door to the cage. The walls were high but not impossible to climb over with the aid of the hose-rope. But they would be zapped by the dalek's laser before they even had a chance to try. Rose was becoming distraught. What could they do? She and Vince backed up against the wall and she thought hard. Don't freak out. Think about it logically. The Hitcher must have had a Plan B. There's always a Plan B. She glanced around the room wildly. He must have had some way to subvert the dalek, just in case it got out of control.

"Doctor!" Rose called quickly. "Is there anythin' different about that dalek? Some sort of device on it that you haven't seen before?"

A few precious seconds of jumping and dodging passed before the Doctor was able to reply. He studied the dalek hard. Was there anything different? He rolled away just in time to avoid another burst. It was almost impossible to say. He frowned and squinted carefully. His eyes widened.

There was a polo attached to the dalek's eyepiece.

"Eyepiece!" Was the best he could reply. He ducked, narrowly avoiding another laser. His hair singed slightly.

Rose glanced quickly at the eyepiece and noticed the polo. So either that was controlling the dalek or it was some kind of self-destruct mechanism. Either way, take it out and you've got yourself one dead dalek. She turned around suddenly and started tapping the walls.

"What you doin'?" Vince exclaimed. "Listening for termites?"  
Rose didn't look around. "There has to be some sort of control unit close to the dalek. It might be in a hidden compartment."  
Vince understood and moved to another part of the wall, tapping furiously. Within seconds he found a section that sounded different from the rest.

"This is it!" He flicked the switch on the sonic screwdriver. "Here goes!" A blue light penetrated the wall and immediately, a small door opened up. There was a mess of wires inside.

"Now what?" Rose yelled at the Doctor.  
The Doctor panted. "Reverse the polarities!"  
"What will that do?"  
"No idea, but I usually win that way!"  
Vince slapped his forehead in exasperation."How?!"  
"Wave the sonic screwdriver around!"

So Vince waved the sonic screwdriver around. Sparks and smoke erupted from the compartment. The dalek gave another screech. It aimed one last bolt at the fatigued pair but this was one bolt too many. They were too exhausted to move. The dalek screamed, "EXTERMINATE!" and fired.

Nothing happened.

Rose and Vince jumped up in the air with squeals of delight and grabbed each other in a hug.  
"IT WORKED!" They cheered. "IT BLOODY WORKED!" The Doctor exhaled deeply and Howard fainted.

The dalek looked confused. Or as confused as any metal pepperpot creature could look. The colour slowly started to drain away and a number of dents and scratches began reappearing. But most importantly, the laser stopped humming.

Within a few minutes they were all out of the cage and reunited again. The Doctor caught Rose in a hug and even Howard was too weak to refuse a hug from Vince. It was over.

-----

**Author's notes: **

Two more chapters to go. I've finished writing, but I should probably ration them. Hehe.


	12. Coming Full Circle

Sorry it's taken me so long to upload new chapters!

There be a song in this chapter which, in my mind, is vaguely to the tune of jean claude jaquettie. I command you to sing!

-----

**CHAPTER ELEVEN: COMING FULL CIRCLE**

"Chocolate chip." The Doctor grinned, munching happily. "Brilliant."  
"Only the best." Vince winked in reply.

Back at the zookeeper's lodge, our heroes were enjoying a nice cup of tea and some biscuits.

Rose sighed and took a long gulp of tea. "Why can't we ever just go somewhere for a holiday? Somewhere relaxing."  
"I know a great market on an asteroid bazaar." The Doctor replied, mouth full. "We could go there for a bit. Have a break, do some shopping."  
Rose approved. "That's more like it!" She smiled and took another biscuit. "Then I think I'd like to go visit mum. Haven't checked in with her for a while."  
The Doctor rolled his eyes with a smile. "Jackie Tyler, perfect."  
Rose grinned at him. "You love her."

There was a sudden bang on the door. Howard put down his mug and went to see who it was.

"Hello?"

Bob Fossil stood in the doorway. "MOON." he barked. "You're fired!"  
Howard blinked. "Sorry?"  
"You and Noir." Fossil pointed. "You're both fired. Pack up and get out."  
"What for?" Vince yelped. "We saved the world today!"

Fossil burst into tears. Everyone in the room stared.

"But you didn't save Dixy!" He wailed.  
"What do you mean?" Howard gaped.  
"Dixon Bainbridge is dead!" Fossil yelled. "He got extintionated by that-" he pressed a button on his talk box. "_Dalek?_" The talk box said.

There was a collective gasp.

"Wait." Rose said, confused. "How did that even happen? When was there a moment when the dalek had operational lasers that it could have killed Bainbridge?"

The Doctor quickly put on his glasses and explained. "We established in the description for this story that some hapless person would be exterminated, assuming that this was the likely outcome for any dalek related plot. However, the story moved in a different direction than initially planned. So when this extermination did not eventuate in the action throughout, this flimsy excuse for continuity has had to be brought into play."

Rose stared at him, mouth slightly open.

"Your logic makes me feel like a dick!" Fossil yelled. "Moon and Noir, you're both fired! So get the hell out already before I set the lemurs on you!"

Howard and Vince stared at each other. "But, the zoo is our home." Howard whimpered.  
"Not anymore!" Fossil barked. "The zoo belongs to me now, and I'm selling it. I want you out by the end of the day!" And with another waves of tears, he turned on his heel and stalked out of the lodge.

There was an uncomfortable silence. Howard shut the door quietly and sat, speechless, on the couch next to Vince. Eventually, he spoke.

"What are we gonna do now?"  
Vince shook his head. "Dunno."  
Rose looked tearful. "I'm so sorry!"  
"It's not your fault!" Vince replied quickly. "Anyway, we had loads of fun helping you guys!"  
"We did?" Howard raised an eyebrow.  
"Course we did!" Vince grinned. "We had some crisps and beat that dalek. It was great!"  
Howard groaned. "Nothing ever worries you, does it? You're always looking on the bright side."  
"Well, we'll always remember this." Vince insisted. "Our adventure with the Doctor."

Vince and Howard grinned at each other and then burst into song. (Or now that we know what it's called, I can say they started crimping like motherbitches.)

"_Doctor man, Doctor man, making a plan, shaking our hand, we're your biggest fan.  
Fighting the dalek. It's a metaltron nightmare.  
Making ya scared, sinister glares, nothing compares, gotta get prepared.  
It's laser is blazing, hair raising, it's crazy.  
All of time and space, but nothing can faze him.  
It's shooting you up, shooting you down, shooting you all around.  
DOCTORRRR MANN!"_

Rose burst out laughing and clapped furiously. The Doctor grinned.  
"Who are you, Hall and Oates?" The Doctor asked with a laugh.  
"I'm not being Oates!" Vince said firmly, poking Howard. "Anyway, you've got the moustache."

Rose nudged the Doctor. "They've got a song! Why can't we have a song?"  
"We have a song." He insisted.  
"Whatever!" She scoffed, "How does it go?"  
The Doctor started singing cautiously, "Doctor whoooooo. Doctor who. Doctor whooooooo. The TARDIS." He trailed off and scratched his head.  
Rose had trouble hiding her grin. "That was terrible. But I'll pay it, because you did it on the spot."  
"Right." The Doctor coughed sheepishly. "Sorry about that."

They all laugh into their tea mugs, happy, oblivious, enjoying their victory.

The camera, if there were one, would pan slowly up to the window, in an almost hopeful manner. This would possibly represent time passing, if you're into analysing shit like that.

Of course, this is a fan fiction and there ain't no camera. We have, at our disposal, merely language. But you've proven that you're all good at using your imaginations so you shouldn't have any trouble.

Once on the window, the bright light shining through would wash over the camera and fade to white. The light melts away. The scene has now changed. We are now at the smoking remains of the zoo for animal offenders. It's a huge crater.

Helicopters with a hexagon patterned logo roar past each other in the air, all attempting to land at once. Vans with blacked out windows are parked arbitrarily around the crater, and men and women in full body biohazard suits rush about on their own assigned tasks.

A woman dressed in a black armani suit steps lightly from a van and surveys the scene with disinterest. She grabs the arm of a man in a biohazard suit who is passing by.

"What's the situation?" She snaps.  
The man pulls off his headgear. "It's a 4092. Extra-terrestrial creature, specifically a dal-"  
The woman rolls her eyes and interrupts. "I know what a 4092 is, you moron. We've had enough of these alerts by now. Is it alive?"  
The man just nods, too afraid to speak.  
"Excellent." The woman smiles coldly. "Then take it alive to Torchwood HQ. We'll have our technicians take a look at it. If this dalek is just as pathetic as the others, we can at least auction it off and make some money." She waves the nervous man away. "Go on, back to work."

The camera would pan away slowly up into the sky now, watching the busy scene below get smaller and smaller. This would be an expensive crane shot, but luckily, it's all just language again.

One day, that dalek _would_ get sold at an auction. And the Doctor and Rose would get caught up in that story too, even though it's actually already happened to them. But you see, that's just how time travel works, you know with... wibbly wobbly... timey wimey... stuff.


	13. Epilogue: This Isn't The Zoo!

It's the end, the end, theee enddddddd, theeeeeee END.

-----

**EPILOGUE: THIS ISN'T THE ZOO!**

Vince ran over to the Zookeeper's lodge and poked his head around the door.

"Come on, Howard. Rose and the Doctor are leaving!" He said quickly, "We should go say goodbye!"  
Howard looked up from the boxes he was packing. "They're going already?" He jumped out of the chair and smoothed his jacket out. "Come on, then!"

But as he reached the door, there was an announcement over the loudspeaker.

"Howard Moon, come to my office!"  
"Ahh!" Howard scowled. "What does he want now?"  
Vince shrugged. "You'd better go."  
"Can't you go for me?" Howard pleaded.  
"What?"  
"Go on, run to Fossil's office and see what he wants, then I'll meet you at the TARDIS."  
Vince frowned. "Get stuffed! I'm not doing your dirty work for you."

Just as Howard was about to protest, there was another announcement.

"And don't try to get Vince to go for you! Moon to my office, NOW!"

Vince chuckled and pat Howard on the back. "See you later, then!" He rushed off towards the TARDIS and Howard slouched off in the direction of Fossil's office.

-----

The Doctor glanced at Rose, who smiled. He turned back to Vince. "Well, you could... come with us? As my companion?"  
Vince grinned. "I'd love to..."  
"But?"  
"But, I can't." Vince shrugged. "I've got to look after Howard."  
The Doctor and Rose smiled at each other. "Just one trip." Winked Rose. "The Doctor can have you back just a second after you left. No one will even know you've gone."  
Vince grinned. "Oh go on then, one trip."  
"Molto bene!" The Doctor grinned back as Vince sidled over to the TARDIS door.

Vince stepped inside. "Where is Howard anyway?"

-----

_BUH WUH BADDUH DAH, BADDUHHHH WAH. _

Back at Fossil's office, music was blearing loudly from a tape deck. Howard was standing in the centre of the room, hands in pockets, completely speechless as Fossil danced sexually in time to the song.

"_...Cause I try..."_

Fossil threw one arm to the left, the other in the air, quickly pulling it down again to rest on the back of his head.

"_...And I try..."_

The arm to the left went to his waist and he wiggled his legs. It was like the retarded teapot dance. _"...And I try..."_

He bent, he thrust, he kicked. He threw his head around like a madman. It was like 'the macarana', 'the hustle', 'thriller' and 'heads, shoulders, knees and toes' all rolled into the one terrifying dance.

"_...And I tryyyy..."_

Finally, with one more massive thrust, the stereo shouted, _"I CAN'T GET NO... BADDUH DAH, BADDUHHHH WAH... SATISFACTION!"_

Fossil calmly turned the stereo off. "And that's why I can't get no satisfaction."

Howard just stared blankly.

-----

The Doctor shrugged. "I don't know. Too bad, Howard could have come with us."

He shut the door and the TARDIS gradually began to disappear.

Howard bolted out of the office and ran towards the slowly fading sound of the TARDIS motor. "Wait!" He yelled. "Wait! I want to go too!" But it was too late. A slight wind left by the time machine ruffled his hair as he stomped the ground in frustration. "SHIT!"

Some time later...

...WHHH-ROOOO WHHH-ROOOO...

The blue door opened and Vince staggered drunkenly out in Rose's red boots.

"Thanks for that Doc! Tell Jagger he's a cheeky bitch!" Vince blew kisses at the vanishing TARDIS. He grinned and sighed happily, turning around to go find Howard. But when he turned around, what he saw made his mouth drop open.

"Wait a second..." Vince squeaked frantically. "This isn't the zoo! It's Dalston!"

**THE END. **Or is it? ...Yes, it is.

Wait, I did this joke in the last fanfiction... Shit!

-----

**Authors Notes: **

"This isn't Croydon! It's Aberdeen!"

The Doctor isn't very good at dropping people off, is he? Anyway, thank you SO much for reading this far! I hope you liked it. Please review! If I get ten thousand reviews, I promise to re-name my cat Batman. I'm not even joking.

Love 'oo, boiye!


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